Leaving CHIPSA

Three weeks ago we arrived here at CHIPSA North Beach outpatient clinic and today is Todd’s last day of treatment. We were all excited to get home and continue his treatments and had somewhat of a game plan for when we return, but then we got some unexpected news…

Todd had another ultrasound this morning and texted me, “ok my tummy is upset” “had my ultrasound”, I immediately panicked as he was trying to call and it wouldn’t go through. I was texting back “is everything ok?” “what did they say?!?!”. My heart was pounding so hard and I too then felt my stomach become upset like I was going to throw up. The worst feeling is wanting to talk to someone and you can’t, knowing the love of your life is right across the street and just received news that upset him. The call finally came through, as Todd whispered to me “there is an area on the right side that has responded to treatment”, meaning it is another node or tumor on the other side, I just wanted to scream! But, I couldn’t do that, I had to keep my shit together, we were on the phone and I know he was scared. He continued to tell me that the biggest tumor (the one we can see and feel) on the left side is not an actual lymph node, which is a good thing, that it is a lesion and not in the lymph system, but we are not sure about the other areas. I wanted more than anything to be by his side when he got this news, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and remind him how strong he is, that everything is going to be ok. I wanted to hear the radiologist explain everything to me too.

Todd had to let me go and as I was trying to process this new information, I completely let myself lose it. We have to do that, let it out! I have never in my life felt so alone, as I cried and cried. I immediately wanted to call someone and at the same time didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to shout to the world how upset I was, I also wanted to bury myself in the covers and not move for days, instead, I started writing this post. I find it much easier to express my feelings through writing sometimes rather than talk about them. It helps me clarify them and see my thoughts physically in front of me so that I can have a better understanding of my emotions. Plus, remind you that I have our twelve-year-old daughter in the room with me and didn’t want to worry her, or lead her to know that I was in fact afraid. It’s a tough line with kids and since Kloey is an only child she is in the middle of it all. There is no hiding anything, no distraction from what our reality actually is. She rarely takes things seriously, as much as that drives me insane, times like this I am grateful for it. She is my light even if it has been unbearable at times, being together 24/7 for the last three weeks! 

Kloey had just woken up and wanted to go get breakfast, I, on the other hand, did not want to do anything, but I went to the bathroom (the getaway spot) and let out as many tears as I could, then put myself together so that we could head out. We took our delicious muffins to go this morning and stopped by the clinic, companions are not usually allowed in the treatment rooms especially children, but they made an exception for us for a quick five-minute visit. I just had to see Todd and get that hug that I think we both needed and remind him to stay positive although I know he already knew that.

Thankfully, he had a short day today and was done at lunch. We talked through our plans which basically remained the same, but the overall situation just sucks more. We have a surgical consultation scheduled after we get back on Tuesday for Todd to have the tumors and possibly just a few surrounding lymph nodes removed as soon as he can. If he would have had the surgery prior to coming to CHIPSA they would have still found the spot on the opposite side at some point and in this case probably further down the road as it was not detected on the PET scan he just had. It took the ultrasound here to see it after the Coleys had attacked it. Then we would have been faced with that later on. The treatments here have been attacking the tumors and the circulating cancer cells in his body. This will be a good time to go in and remove them, then he can continue with the medications/treatments that he is sent home with for three months including, the Coley’s injections, GCMaf spray, B12 injections, and supplements. We will also be looking into resuming the non covered IV vitamin C, ozone therapy, and the hyperbaric treatments. I’m pretty sure the hyperbaric treatments are not covered either, but I still need to gather all the details on that. Also, we should have his records from here which we were told they will be given in Spanish…so, once I can decipher them I will let you all know more details.

We will continue to keep a positive outlook on this journey and keep moving forward. We decided to enjoy a nice walk on the beach and made our way down to the border wall for the first time. It felt good to get out of the room together, put our feet in the sand and feel that connection with the earth. Kloey and I have only been down to the beach twice and this was Todd’s first and only time. The temperature and waters are much cooler here than Florida. The way back to the hotel we picked up a few souvenirs and treats to bring back. Todd’s day should go pretty quick, finishing treatments, removing his port, and receiving some of the meds to take home. We got our stuff all packed in anticipation of being picked up this afternoon to return to San Diego until late tomorrow night. We will fly all night and arrive back in Florida Sunday morning on Todd’s 37th birthday!

We are asking that you keep us in your thoughts, prayers, and please continue to share our story, we will most definitely remain to need funds to get us through this time. So much love and thanks to you all!

https://www.gofundme.com/f/todds-stage-4-cancer-journey&rcid=r01-156775013376-5fb4fb9a2244476b&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w