Not Always Easy

It has been 21 months since Todd was first diagnosed and not one minute of it has been easy. We have tried our hardest to make the best of our situation and stay positive throughout this difficult journey and is not always ideal to keep it up. Many moments of negative feelings, sadness, anger, frustration, hurt, guilt and even losing faith. There have even been days where we acted as if it was all a dream. It is still crazy to believe this is our reality at times.

These past few days were some of the toughest days of my life. This process is not what we expected. We made it to another country for alternative cancer treatment. We worked so hard to get here, a lot of dedication, persistence and probably annoyed a lot of people, but I never gave up hope.

Then Friday, Todd told me he wanted to go home, he didn’t want to do any of the treatments anymore. I pushed as I usually do for what I thought was right, ignoring his feelings a little as I felt this is the right decision we made. He went to the clinic even though he didn’t want to, after all, it was Friday and he got the weekends off…something to look forward to. Except he was tired all weekend and spent most of his time in bed. When Monday morning came he really was not looking forward to starting the second week of treatment, but he went.

Todd had a short day but received the Coley’s toxins and although they said he did not technically run a fever he still experienced the chills as if he did and the massive headache that came along with it. When he returned to the hotel he was over it and was certain that he did not want to continue treatments. I felt sick to my stomach, I worked my ass off to get us here, we did it and made it all the way here, and now what?! Did we really come this far to turn around? 

We all walked over to the outpatient center together and talked with his doctor about leaving. At that point, there was nothing that coul change his mind. That night as Todd and I sat in the bathroom crying and discussing our honest raw thoughts and feelings with one another, I just wanted to snap my fingers and a make everything better for him, take away all of his suffering, he said he felt like he was crashing and my heart was breaking for him and as much as I thought he should stay I had to support his decision no matter what it is. He had to follow his own heart regardless of what I or anyone else thought or said. My fear is that he would be making a mistake, that he would be missing out on some of what we thought where the best treatments for him. 

Yesterday morning we had a meeting with the hospital CEO and Sarah, our intake specialist that has been extremely helpful to us, I could not have made it through this process without her. What it came down to is that Todd was feeling worse now than before he came and there is obviously not a reassuring feeling with that, before we left although he has been easily fatigued Todd was eating full meals, working out when he could and felt optimistic about his life. We were unaware of any of the negative side effects from any of these treatments until we arrived.  He does not feel comfortable being a long way from home and worried about Kloey and I, he did not want to pursue the plan any longer. I of coarse cried the whole time and just wanted him to feel at peace with his choice. I completely understand Todd’s feelings and agree that it seems impossible to heal in an environment that he doesn’t feel completely comfortable with.

We considered different options and ultimately Todd agreed to stay with some modifications to the treatments that would be easier on him while still being effective. If we left here, there is not any kind of refund per hospital policy that we signed upon arrival, finances are undoubtedly a huge issue with us being here and we can not afford to lose out that kind of money. Todd realized he needs these treatments and I believe God stepped in and helped him see this situation for what it really is. Once his mind was made up he was enthusiastic to go over and begin his treatments for the day. 

He received a new schedule that he will have the Coleys twice a week, the IPT once a week, VG 5,000 once a week, HBO twice a week, B17 three times a week, IV ozone three times a week, a Meyers cocktail 1-2 times a week, daily vitamin C and GCMaf (1-2 daily), and I think I got all of it that I know of as right now. The schedule can always change. Todd ended up having a good day yesterday full of IV’s including his first Meyer’s cocktail, that is typically a concoction of essential vitamins and minerals and usually has nice feel-good results. Todd also went over to for a hyperbaric treatment yesterday afternoon. His positive attitude is back, we are half way done, we got this! He is such a strong person, I know he will make it through this even the toughest parts and we will be right here with him!

Please continue your thoughts, prayers and sharing our story as that is very much appreciated and we need to continue raising funds. Today during his lunch break (remember we are on Pacific time) Todd was just telling me they went over some new treatments that are a possibility for him to have while we are here. I will find out more and keep you all posted to what they are, how they work and what the additional fees will be.

We will keep everyone back home in Florida in your prayers as storm Dorian approaches. A huge thank you to our family and friends that have stepped in to help prepare us and our clients since we are not there. ❤️🙏

https://www.gofundme.com/f/todds-stage-4-cancer-journey&rcid=r01-156700800069-bb489c89538b4fdd&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w