One and Only

Wow, I cannot even believe that we have a twelve-year-old! Kloey officially turned 12 yesterday. I started out writing that we had a tween, but now I’m not too sure what the regulations are…So, a teenager is between 13-19, a tween is between the ages of 9-12, and a pre-teen is considered before age 12. Still a little confused, and I guess from what I googled that we have had a tween for a few years now and this past year was the pre-teen year? Anyway, I don’t think you ever really understand what people are always saying that time goes by fast until you have a child. When I use to imagine myself having children in my life, I never thought it would fly by as quick as it has so far. It makes me appreciate her and all that she is and who she is yet to become.

We knew we wanted kids and I say kids because we always thought we would have two, that’s what we envisioned but things, thoughts, and people change. We tried to get pregnant right after we were married. Although it only took six months, it started to feel like forever and that it was never going to happen, it was the complete opposite of time flying by. I will always remember the morning I woke up and it was prior to a missed period, Todd suggested that I take a pregnancy test (I always had them on hand) and since he always has a pretty good intuition about things, I figured why not…It was finally positive and so, of course, I peed on another. We cried on the way to the store to pick up another test and cried, even more, when it too was positive!

We were going to be parents and we were having a baby girl! Planning on having a baby was one of those things I just knew I wanted and wasn’t sure how scared I was until after I was pregnant. Reading the books and watching episodes of A Baby Story, is that show still around? Made me excited, but mostly made me so nervous for the birth. The further along I got, it really started to sink in that I was going to be pushing this baby out. Then reading and trying not to visualize an episiotomy totally freaked me out. Where I’m going with this is that looking back now I know that about a month before my due date, I had my first panic attack, and I spent a day in the hospital with no explanation on why my blood pressure suddenly skyrocketed. It’s my overthinking and fearing the unknown future that impacts my mental health.

A week early on June 18th, and a few hours after Father’s Day 2007, Kloey Nicole Jenkins was born. What a beautiful gift for Todd, a first-time daddy, meeting our little girl that we made. Her arrival into our world was by far the happiest day of our lives. She didn’t even cry at first, her big beautiful eyes just looked around the room and it was like she knew who we were and took it all in before they brought her to clean up and then she screamed! The most emotional part was when my mom and I brought Kloey home from the hospital…I wanted to video the arrival and I lost it! I had so many emotions running crazy, I was so excited, in disbelief and a little sad that Todd was not there with me (he was working), but most of all, so extremely happy!

My life was complete, that was it I didn’t feel the want for any other children. Seriously, I pretty much knew right away that she was all I could have ever wanted. It took Todd a little longer to realize that he was ok with one child. And honestly, I still worry that one day he may resent me for not wanting to have any more kids. I could not imagine loving and caring for another baby as I do her. They say that you adapt to loving, caring and even supplying for another child. Let me note that I can understand how that happens, but I just couldn’t imagine it happening to me and was not going to plan on it. If there was ever a day that we were to expect another child, believe me, I would be happy, I would know that it was meant to be.

Now that she is preparing to enter her teenage years, I don’t have any regrets on not having another one or more. However, I do think about what it would have been like and I know Kloey would have loved to have a little brother or sister because she still continues to ask for one. I also think about our parents, especially mine, because Kloey is the only grandchild and I don’t think kids are in my brothers future. I didn’t want to go through being pregnant again and it just never felt like it was the right time. I still get asked if I want another child as if I would really want to start all over now?! I can’t change my thoughts and feelings just because I get asked or it’s expected of us to have more than one kid. This is our life and we are raising Kloey, not anyone else.

I worry way too much about everything in general and my fears for Kloey are no exception, as I’m sure those of you that are parents can agree. Those fears for her are some of my biggest ones! I know how I was at her age and those years were rough on my parents (and myself). She can definitely be testy at times and want to be in her room and not hang out with us. But I am so thankful that she still craves our attention and loves to cuddle, I know it won’t last forever, so I’m going to hold onto it as much as I can. I am always concerned about her thoughts about her dad’s situation and try my hardest to be strong for her during this time. She breaks down now and then like we do, but I have been very impressed at how mature and brave she has handled it. The only real sign is that she has spent nearly every night in our room since this past August…it’s almost like she knew the cancer was still there before we officially found out. If that’s how she is coping with this whole life change, is wanting to be close to us and feel comforted then who am I as her mother to take that away from her? I want to be there to support her fully in all her fears and struggles like her learning disabilities, anxiety and schooling which is a whole other subject.

Which leads me to an only child has its reputation, right? They are spoiled rotten brats that think they are entitled to everything. Is it just me, or is this whole generation of children seem to have this attitude. I would be lying if I tried to argue my way out of this and yes, she is pretty spoiled but we can definitely not afford to give her everything she wants. See Todd and I both grew up not spoiled at all and we want to give her all the things and attention that we felt were denied from our childhoods. Are we making up for our past? Maybe. To be clear I’m not saying either one of us had a bad childhood. We don’t want her to feel compared or treated differently from a sibling (or anyone else for that matter). I’m not saying that this always happens, but I do think that at least one sibling feels this way in most scenarios. Like most of us, we can only try our best to be good parents. We are doing what we can to make sure that through her eyes she has a great life. There is no right way to parent and a lot of wrong ways, we are all different and have our own way of doing it.

In this sometimes difficult stage of life we are trying to support her through these changes in hopes to help mold her into a person she will be proud of. Of course, we are already so proud to be her parents. She has such a huge heart and so much potential, for her it is hard to see that and have the motivation and want to chase it. Today’s world full of modern technology, it’s hard for kids to appreciate all the little things and clearly view themselves without worrying about what others may think. We can help guide her with these challenges and keep her confidence to become who she wants to be.

To the moms that have 2,3,4 or 5+ kids, more power to you and you are awesome! I think some of us were made for that and some weren’t and even some that were just made not to have any kids. And for us, Kloey is our one and only.